Shanshu
by Meibao
Summary: This was the second man in a month to tell me Angel was the only man I loved.BxA Buffy's being plagued with dreams about Angel, that are slowly driving her insane. When Angel's pushed back into Buffy's life, will she be able to survive? Rated T for Safety
1. Chapter 1

Cars whizzed past on the street behind me as I contemplated my next move. I was standing in an ally looking at something that would be difficult for me to do; I was standing in front of a sewer grate. My objective was to go into this Magical Depot (just like Home Depot, but switching the tools for magical items), and get a number of herbs for Willow. Getting the herbs was not the big; it was in fact the sewer grate in front of me.

For the past six months or so every time I dropped into a sewer my mind decided to play tricks on me. Two ghost images come to life before my eyes and forces me to relive one of the hardest days of my life. It's_him_ and I, we walk along the sewers. I can hear the quiet murmur of their voices but not the actual words not that it matters my legs start moving on their own anyways. I follow in a trance only focusing on how small I look, but I just know I couldn't have been so small, so fragile, and so weak. I just continue on following them no matter who is with me, or which sewer it is. The illusions walk along, sometimes for minutes or for hours and I follow quietly blocking out reality. But once the illusions decide it's time they stop, and I know only heartbreak can come. No matter how much I want to run my legs lock into place and all I can do is watch and relive it as it was. As the mumbles of their voices raise and the words become clearer all I can do is analyze what could've went different if only I'd said something else, did something different, but hindsight is always twenty/twenty.

"I Don't!" My delusion shouts at me, the only two words I can hear clearly. _He_ said those words clearly, carefully, and calculated. They were said with a purpose, with a reason something I completely understand, and know it had to be said. But knowing that doesn't lessen the pain said by those words doesn't stop the knife from ripping my heart into bits. I can tell behind, usually blurry eyes that they are still talking, but the only words I can hear are the ones he said so forcefully, and it rocks me to my core.

The honking of a horn nearby shocks me out of my day dream, and I stare at the grate. Sighing I slowly bend down to remove the grate. I stop and look into the sewer before taking the list of herbs Willow needs out of my pocket. I needed to do this; it was the only way to figure out what was causing these hallucinations. It's quite a problem when chasing a vampire down into a sewer to be mystically pulled away. Reality means nothing to me when stuck in a trace, and Willow knows it the best. She almost became a vampire snack because of one. Willow had been screaming my name, but I didn't hear her till the last second. I barely saved her. She was afraid of letting me go into the sewer by myself, but I was the only one with enough street credit to get in. Apparently this magical depot was very picky into whom they let in, but I guess 'Buffy the vampire slayer' is on the list. Roughly shoving the list back into my pocket, I started down the metal ladder.

When my feet touched the bottom I slowly turned my head to see ghost me waiting along side with ghost _him_, images only my eyes could see. When the rumble of their hushed voices reached my ears my feet began to move without my consent. I followed my eyes glued to the figures, as I tried to somehow mentally prepare myself. I don't know why I would try, you can't protect yourself, from yourself right? I could see them getting ready for the main attraction, and I braced myself when they dissipated in front of my eyes. Could I have found the magic depot already? If they disappeared because of a protection spell would it mean I could get this over with? No more basically sleepless nights watching the images of our worst times flash by my eyes? Could their really be such a simple freedom?

Life isn't fair or even kind and while I knew that by someone's ironic humor life decided to be especially unfair to me but this was just uncalled for, and in my current state devastating. Standing only twenty or so feet away from me was _him, t_he man who broke my heart and the man who still owned the pieces, the original vampire with a soul, Angel. My breath caught in my throat, my legs turned into cement and my voice was lost. Angel was not alone; there beside him was a girl, a small blonde girl yelling at him, and desperately trying to get him to see her side of the argument. I could only see my self in her frame, and by Angel's body movements could picture his face. His clear, cold, rational face as he shut her arguments down efficiently. I could tell he was getting annoyed.

"I don't!"

I stopped breathing for a minute, when those words hit. The girl was in tears by now and as she tried to push past him, he spun and grabbed her arm. I wanted to yell at him, but the girl was doing a good job of it. I tried to hear the words, but my ears wouldn't focus. Then my knees decided to buckle and I crashed to the ground. That was a mistake, Angel's head shot up and our eyes locked. I couldn't breath, and I tried to gasp for air but I was frozen. Nothing would move my mind wouldn't work, as he took a few steps towards me. The blonde girl was looking this way, I broke contact with Angel's eyes to look at her. She was so scared, and the tears rolled down her eyes. But no, she wasn't crying. I felt my face I was the one who was crying, looking back up at the girl she seemed worried and started walking towards me as well. I knew I had to run but nothing would work.

"Buffy?"

Angel's voice broke my concrete shell. I jumped up and took off, running back to the ladder. I climbed up till the sun shone its shine on me filling me with relief but still the adrenaline wouldn't let me stop so I kept running. I ran on and on even when I felt the warning rain drops before it began to pour. But nothing was working right, I had to run.

When my feet decided to stop I found myself in front of another alley. The rain was still pouring down on my head, and everything ached. My heart still pounded in my chest from all the running, which didn't make it any easier to breathe. I needed to sit down and rest. The alley wasn't the most attractive place but I needed to stop and so I made my way down. Feeling some sort of sick pleasure when there was no sewer grate in sight, I pushed my self into a corner between the back and a side.

The last few months had been hell. Sliding down I pulled my knees up against myself, and laid my head on my knees. When was the last time I had a good nights sleep? I was just so tired. These visions, or delusions or whatever you call them started haunting me constantly after the ''Coffee Guy'' as I so call him.

I was sitting at a little café in Rome, trying to escape from my new apartment since Andrew had wiggled his way into it already. Searching for a way to remove Andrew, I didn't even notice someone had sat down across from me till he asked me what was wrong. The man had an Irish accent, and the most persuasive eyes that just made me want to tell him everything that was wrong in my life. This complete stranger just sat there and waited for me to talk, and I did. I started talking to him about my problems with Andrew, and then why I moved to Rome; eventually getting on to my failed relationships going back the whole complicated mess that is my relationship with Angel. He sat there the whole time and I just knew he was listening.

He looked at me, and then smiled. Then he gave me one of the biggest reality checks of my life.

"You are still in love with Angel." I didn't even have time to deny it. "You have been subconsciously trying to change every man you've been with. Riley, went from khakis and button down shirts to dark pants and dark knitted sweaters. He got the whole Angel wardrobe, but that wasn't good enough and after you pushed him away you started on your next target. Spike who was already a vampire tried to be a good little vampire, but when that wasn't enough he went through hell to get a soul for you. But Spike could never be Angel no matter how you tried to throw Angel's persona on him. Even now with that last guy, he was exactly what you said you wanted. 'Regular Joe' and you threw him away because he was normal. You have to face it. You are still in love with Angel, and no guy can ever be him. No guy will ever be as dark, or mysterious, or brooding as Angel."

He looked at me, and I was so angry. I wanted to say something; anything but I couldn't find my voice. He just smiled at me, and got up.

"The dreams will help." And with that he walked away, but only ten or so feet from me did he disappear before my eyes. He gave me no name or anything, even after I spilled my life story but I found I wasn't as shocked by his disappearing as I was by his words. I was over Angel, I'd seen Angel and been with Angel and knew that our love would never be. I was not in love with him, I moved on. But I was wrong.

The dreams I'm guessing that my mysterious 'Coffee Guy' were talking about hit me a few days after our visit. While the first nights were about the kinder times, us enjoying our blissful ignorance it soon turned sour, and I was on edge all the while trying to keep my relationship up with The Immortal, a pleasant demon I'd met a few weeks before 'Coffee Guy'. Things were going alright, they were just dreams something I could forget about when the day started. But it didn't stay like that for long; soon the dreams were materializing before my eyes. Still I tried to forget it, to block it out. It was only happening when we went some where memorable.

It wasn't long till trouble stirred up. Angel and Spike decided to visit Rome. It was a business trip in all aspects; they had to get some demon head back to L.A. before a huge demon war broke out. Most would believe that they would do what they were supposed to do, get the head and get home, but I know Angel. He was not going to come to Rome and pass up lurking or visiting me specially. So I convinced The Immortal to change the plans from a quiet night at home to an all out dance party at a local club. He agreed with me and we headed out.

But Angel would not be deterred so easily, and came to that dance club. I thought it was some delusion of mine coming to haunt me, but when I saw Spike at the bar surveying the crowd, I knew he was really there. With my recent dreams I didn't think I could stand to be with Angel. So I freaked, and The Immortal got someone to steal whatever it was Angel needed to get back to L.A. Something Angel was not happy about but it kept him distracted. I hid out with The Immortal at his place, not being able to breathe easy till Angel was reported back in L.A.

It was a week after that and the dreams were getting worse. I was trying to decide if I should call Willow to see what she could do about it. It was occurring to me that these weren't just nightmares something was causing them, plus I hadn't told anyone about my encounter with 'Coffee Guy' yet. Angel was filling my head, and I was still worried he would come back to try and find me, when The Immortal sat me down. He looked at me and smiled, the same sad smile ''Coffee Guy'' gave me. Tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear he told me it was over.

"Angel is still very much on your mind. I am The Immortal, and only The Immortal there is no way I could ever be Angel. I'm sorry Buffy, but only Angel can be Angel."

He left me in my apartment glued to my couch. This was the second man in a month to tell me Angel was the only man I loved. It was just too bad we could never be together. That whole creature of the night turns evil when he's happy thing, isn't something we can just overcome. Angel broke my heart once to try and give me a future. I found out I wanted a future; I wanted children and a house and a dog, and a husband who could go out in the daytime. It wasn't too much to ask for was it? Angel didn't think so and that is why he left. I owed it to him to make sure the gesture wasn't done in vain, right?

Wrong. My dreams only proved how wrong I was. As each night came the main event started to become the conversations we had about the future, what he could give and what he couldn't. Then the things I did to get that family I wanted, but no matter how I tried the only husband, only father of my children was Angel. The one I knew couldn't be those things. So when our last conversation about futures and who was going to be in them, and who wasn't came along with those two defining definite words broke my heart. I knew it couldn't happen and it was rubbed in my nose each and every night that Angel was still in my thoughts of the future, but I wasn't in his. How could I be? After my little cookie dough speech about needing to grow and find myself, I don't think Angel would even calculate me in as a factor in his plans. Why would I be?

The sound of footsteps shook me out of my pondering. Silently praying that who ever they were would go away, I was in no condition to fight anyone or anything. There was no sign of stopping, and I tensed my body. I was ready to throw a punch if needed but this whole 'ignore them and hope they go away' idea was what I was going for. Someone grabbed my hand, and my head shot up in a flash. Staring back at me were the two very concerned eyes of a certain vampire who just wouldn't leave me alone.

"You're bleeding."


	2. Chapter 2

"You're bleeding."

That statement puzzled me. I wasn't bleeding, but he proved me wrong as he flipped my hand around. In the middle of my palm was a humongous gash that was still oozing blood. I glanced at Angel; his eyes were trained to my hand. This wasn't helping; I needed to get out of here. Slowly I pulled my hand away, balling my fist. He turned to me, and I felt like I would stop breathing. He looked so worried, and for some reason it aggravated me. Why should he care? I mean he was giving depressing talks to other blonde girls in the sewers; I always thought that was our special thing. I guess not.

"I'm fine." I spat, my voice calm and even; a surprising feat from someone who's hyperventilating. Angel stood, and I thought I had gotten away. How presumptuous of me, and stupid. Angel was not going to let someone walk away with a bleeding wound, no matter how much they want to. He grabbed my hand again, and when I tried to pull away he just held on tighter. He looked at me like I was crazy.

"You're bleeding."

Like that sentence was all the explanation needed. I didn't have much strength left, I felt like I could faint. I hadn't slept in days, the dreams were exceptionally bad this week and sleep was some type of fairy tale. Angel hefted me up in one pull, making sure I was balanced on my feet. He dragged me behind him, holding on to my injured hand. Before I could even ask where he was taking me (asking was all I could do now, if Angel wasn't dragging me along I would most likely collapse) he answered me.

"You need to get that cleaned."

I would scoff if I had energy. I shuffled along behind him. Telling him,'Sure, I'll clean it the second I get home.' was not going to convince him. If I just went with him, I'd be able to escape faster. This man did strange things to my respiratory system. We walked along, and in the reflection of the windows we past I could see the memories of us laughing. My delusions were only becoming stronger every second I stayed near him, and I think that hurt me the most. Since my lovely talk with ''Coffee Guy'', and The Immortal I've come to realize how much I truly love Angel. I've come to see that there is no getting over it and moving on, I could never leave Angel in the past. I've always had him somewhere in my future; I would always be looking around every bend hoping to find him. And I hated myself for that. I know what problems our relationship can cause to my friends, family, and anyone else we come in contact with, yet I still want his touch, his kiss. I want to wake up next to him every morning, and that's why I hate myself. I tried to push him away, but he always finds me. Plus 'Coffee Guy's' dreams have helped me think of Angel twenty four seven, enough time to figure out why these old wounds still hurt.

Bumping into something hard, I realized Angel stopped. Stepping back, I closed my eyes gently rubbing my forehead with my free hand. I felt something cool take my hand and push it down. Upon opening my eyes I saw it was Angel's hand, and he was currently inspecting my forehead for damage. This time I did scoff, I wasn't _that_ fragile. He looked down at me before turning to open the door. I turned my head to see we only walked a few blocks. It would only happen to me, the person I'm trying to run from I just run to their house. I cast my eyes to the sky, Funny.

Angel opened the door, and then led me up a few flights till we got to his apartment door. He held the door open forcing me to go in first. Once inside, he watched me as I looked around sliding my fingers along the walls. I heard the lock click, and I smiled to myself. He still saw me as a flee risk. The lock wouldn't keep me in here, but would alert him that I was attempting to get out. I shivered. But it wasn't a second after, when I felt something fall around my shoulders. Angel had draped a blanket around my shoulders; he took my hand and made me sit on his couch. Angel held my hand in his and frowned. The blood was still gushing out, and running down my arm. Despite the state my hand was in, I was afraid of dripping blood on Angel's carpets. I knew how hard blood was to get out, also difficult to explain to the cleaners…

He wiped up the blood as fast as he could, in an attempt to get a look, but the blood continued to pour out with no sign of clotting. Angel's brow knitted up in worry and confusion, as he dabbed my hand with a wet towel. I shivered each time his finger touched my skin, but he was too worried about my hand. I had been loosing a lot of blood. The fact that I couldn't remember when or where or how I cut myself was troubling at most, but why wouldn't it stop bleeding?

Isn't that a scary fact? So why didn't it matter to me? All I could think about was how close Angel was to me, and the more I thought about that the less I could breath. Something that was very important. I was filled with relief when Angel got up. I took in deep breaths trying to gain all the oxygen I could before he came back. It was a long time before he came back and I was almost breathing normally. Damn that boy, and his timing. He had a roll of gauze, and he grabbed my hand frowning at the sight of fresh blood. He wiped it off once more with the towel, which was covered in blood before wrapping my hand adding on more layers as it bleed through. Once he took care of that he cleaned up, and I stared at my hand. I was wishing it had stopped bleeding, when I could see red poking through the white.

I clenched my hand as he approached; hoping that he wouldn't notice the new blood since he'd spent the last ten minutes cleaning it. He sat in front of me, and looked down at his hands before looking at me. I felt like I was a child in trouble with their dad. But I was always a child to Angel, wasn't I? He is two hundred and forty some odd years older than me. I was never really on his level. I looked down at my hand, hoping not to make eye contact with him. I was foolish to think about a relationship between me and him. I was only a foolish little girl still, right? He sighed, and my eyes snapped back.

"Buffy…" He trailed off. He seemed distracted, and looked away. I tilted my head at him, what was wrong? What did he have to tell me? "I know I don't have any say in this, but you don't look so well. Have you been sleeping… at all?"

I almost laughed, since when did Angel care if he had a say in it or not? I wanted to tell him no, but the room was spinning. I had to make sure the room stopped before I could say anything. Looking down at my hand I could see the blood rushing down my arm. Hugging my hand closer to me, and I forced my self to say something. Angel looked worried; what ever I pushed out of my mouth was not a coherent sentence. Which wasn't surprising since the room was closing in on me, and all I could feel were the beads of blood running down my arm. My breathing became heavy, and Angel grabbed my shoulders.

"Buffy, you have to tell me what's wrong. What's going on?"

I wanted to respond, but my voice wouldn't work. I was going to do something, any thing to tell Angel something was wrong. I had to let someone know, I just had to go. I tried to get up but Angel held me down. He was saying something, his lips were moving but I couldn't detect the sound. I pulled my hand closer to me, he just couldn't see it. He couldn't see the blood. I closed my eyes, but when I opened them Angel was gone. I looked around he was at the door, with that girl, the poor blonde girl he was yelling at. I wanted to yell at her, 'Don't fall in love. He only breaks hearts!' but I couldn't. That's when the room spun, and got smaller and smaller but the door led to freedom. I had to get out. I had to get out now!

With the rest of my strength I pushed my self up and ran towards the door. The girl stepped back and I passed easily, running down the hall. I fumbled down the steps, almost tripping twice but I needed to go. I couldn't hear Angel behind me but I knew he was there and I clenched my hand harder. I pushed open the door to the outside world, I wanted to stop and breathe but my legs wouldn't let me. I kept running, and running. But suddenly I did stop, I ran into something hard. Well it wasn't really a something, it was some one. I ran into someone's chest, looking up I saw Xander. I was so happy; I think a smile reached my face. I looked behind him and saw Willow climbing out of a car. She looked worried.

I could start to see the world around me go dark, and I couldn't breathe again. Sucking in breath I held up my hand. The whole bandage was covered in red, along with most of my arm. Xander was yelling to Willow behind him or Angel behind me I wouldn't know I couldn't actually hear what Xander yelled, I just knew he was yelling. I pulled on his shirt with my good hand. It took all I had to get my next two words out, to make sure they made sense and not just a mumble of syllables like I told Angel. This was important, the most important thing in my slowly fading world.

"Something's wrong."

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Okay, so here's the next part in my story. Thank you to all the reviewers, I'll try to get the next part out soon. But just a warning, the story will be ¾ romance, ¼ plot. So please have patience with me.


	3. Chapter 3

"Something's wrong."

"You have to be quiet. It'll work…"

"NO! We need to get her to a hospital!"

"We can't! This isn't normal!"

"SOMETHING'S WRONG!"

Oh, my head! My head feels like I'd been out drinking all night, and got hit by a truck…repeatedly. Slowly tidbits come back to me. Going into the sewers, flipping out in Angel's house, running into Xander, and Willow… I knew what the yelling was about. It was about my hand, my head, and my current mental state. Angel didn't know anything, how could he? I didn't tell him when I first met him my mental state was slowly swirling into insanity, because of constant nightmares and visions which keep me up at night. That's taking a toll on my body, and heart…and apparently lungs when Angel in person is concerned. I hear something slam hard against the wall, and it forces me up. I turn and off the bed, Willow yells at me for getting up. I enter the next room and see that Xander is sitting on a chair, I walk past him. I can hear him behind me, but I keep walking on. I step through the doorway to the kitchen, and see Angel.

His back is turned to me but I can see the dent in the wall where he smashed his fist into it. I laughed; it was just like him to take it upon himself. He didn't give me the dreams, ''Coffee Guy'' did. Did he even know about the dreams? Or was he upset that he didn't know what to do during one of my attacks. Usually when I hallucinate, I'm not bleeding but the spinning room, and the feeling of being trapped those are normal. He turns around at my second laugh, but the sound dies in my throat the second I see him. He looks so worried, and I can tell he's been crying. I give him a weak smile, and try to walk over to him. He rushes to me in the first few steps, which is good because walking apparently isn't my strong point, and I'm starting to wonder how long I was in that bed. But when Angel's arms hold on to me my thoughts disappear. I find I can't see anything but the man in front of me, who tries to smile but the worry in his eyes clouds it.

I smile again. I want to say something but I feel like my voice would break. I know this isn't something big, but I miss this. I miss him, and I miss the smell of his clothes, the sound of his voice, and the glisten in his eye when he looks at me, the way he moves, and the way I feel when I'm in his arms. His strong arms and right now I feel like everything could be okay. That once we get past this whole mental insanity things could be good between us again.

But I can tell why Willow was yelling, I was way too weak to get up. My legs feel like they are going to break, but Angel still has this worried look. I needed to comfort him. I smile again, and squeeze him tight between my skinny arms. That's right…when was the last time I had something to eat? I look at Angel again; I need to tell him I'm hungry. I doubt he has food; we will need to order out or something. But as I push myself back I start to see circles, then its turning black. I grab on Angel.

"Don't let me go!"

When I wake up for the second time there's no noise no yelling, but I hear a door slam. I push myself into a sitting position, and glance around the room. No Willow, No Xander…No Angel. I feel slightly disappointed at that fact. I go to move but something's in my hand. I look down to see an IV. I look around the room startled; I'm not in a hospital am I? But Willow walks through the door, and I can see Angel's living room. I point at the IV.

"Angel has some connections at the hospital. He got a guy to sneak one out and bring it over here. Buffy you lost a lot of blood; you were out for a few hours. Then you just decide to rush up and overexert yourself."

I just look down at my hand. It's bandaged still but I don't think it's bleeding anymore. I flex it a little, and Willow looks at me. I know she's just itching to give me a talk. She's been Mom for these past few months, making sure Dawn got to wherever she needed to go and has been taking care of me, plus fixing most of my mistakes. Some things you can't fix but she's done everything in her power to help me through this. I thought it was getting better and that I could forget about it, but I should've known the powers would never let me walk away from this. They were trying to tell me something, or someone was trying to keep me away from Angel. Whatever was going to happen is about Angel, and he doesn't even know it.

"We had to use a very strong spell to close that wound, Young Lady." Oh, that would explain why I feel so drained. And Will, I looked at her. I could see the bags around her eyes; she probably hadn't been to sleep yet either. She slouched in the chair, she was beat.

"Will, why don't you get some sleep?"

She looks at me like I'm a crazy person. I am a crazy person, so I guess that look would be normal right? But she nods at me, and of course I think I'm off the hook. How wrong I am, when Xander comes in and as I'm told fresh off a nap and ready to question me. I smile at Will, and she waves as she walks into the living room. I can see her on the couch, she puts her head down. I feel bad; I'm taking so much out of my friends. Sighing I turn to Xander.

"Fully cooperative patient Buffy ready for your questions." Xander smiles at me, and that gives me a little hope. As long as we keep the funny, we should all be alright. Xander runs through the list of questions I usually get. What did you first see? When did you see it? Where did you see it? How'd you feel? What did you do? Things I usually answered nonchalantly, or it was like pulling teeth. I haven't been letting on how bad the visions and dreams were getting but I needed to fess up. I was taking too much time and energy from these people without letting them know. Xander already knew that they'd been getting worse. He and Willow figured it out, they weren't stupid. Sighing, I looked at my hand.

"So about that hand, how'd you cut it?"

I looked at him. How did I cut it? I remember going into the sewer, no cut. I remember freaking out in the sewer, I could've cut my hand then but I don't think so. That would be a question for Angel. But if not when I fled where did I cut it? I couldn't remember, all I remember is running my hands balled and my arms pumping. All I can remember is the fear of being found, the feeling of needing to get out to leave, and the rain and wind hitting my face. Then Angel found me, but where did I cut it?

"Buffy?"

I turned back to Xander, and then looked down at my hand once again.

"I have no clue. I could've cut it in the sewer but… I don't think so. After that… I didn't even notice I was bleeding till Angel pointed it out…"

I could've been out there forever just bleeding without noticing. I looked at my hand, and all I could see was the blood running down my arm, but when I blinked it went away. I took a deep breath and look at Xander. His face was mixed with worry and confusion. He looked at me, then at my arm.

"We have to tell Angel."

He said it quickly. He and Willow have probably been talking about telling me, but still my breath caught in my throat. How could we tell Angel the reason I was acting like a crazy person was because of him? How could I let them blame this on him? He wasn't the problem, the dreams were the problem. Just because he was the main content of the dreams doesn't mean it was his fault. How are we supposed to tell him? Knowing Angel he'd leave, and I don't want him gone. He'd decide it was better if he was out of my life, he'd decide and I'd be heart broken again. Which wasn't good right now, my heart was still in pieces. I don't think I could handle him leaving again. Xander must have seen my grim expression, because he touched my shoulder.

"We have to tell him, Buffy. We can't just leave this in the dark."

I shook my head no. No.

"We CAN'T!" I say in a harsh whisper.

"Buffy, listen to me he is already asking questions and Angel has a reputation to beat things out of people, especially when it comes to you."

I sniffled, and I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks.

"Who's going to tell him Xander? How are we supposed to tell him?"

He just looked at me, he couldn't give an answer.

"How do you tell the man you are still in love with, that images of our relationship is driving you crazy? Angel will leave Xander, I can't handle that! Not now, not ever again!"

"Buffy, we HAVE to tell Angel."

"Tell me what?"

Once again my breath caught in my throat. There Angel was standing in the door way, probably hearing most of our conversation. I wished I could die. Tears poured down my face, and I looked away I couldn't face Angel. He just stared into the room. I could feel his eyes on me; I could feel the questions his eyes begged to ask.

"Tell me what? Buffy?"

I looked at him with tears in my eyes. I wish someone could explain how to tell him with out him leaving. I wish there was a way to make it sound like it wasn't his fault, but how do you tell someone their image is slowly driving you insane? How do you fix that without them leaving? Where were the easy answers? Where were the breaks? Life was hard, Life played dirty, Life was unkind, and Life was unfair, but who could survive that twenty four seven? Didn't everyone get a favor? Why? Why couldn't things just for once work out?

He took a step closer, and Xander looked at me. My eyes shouted at him, pleaded with him. Don't make him leave Xander, don't let him leave. I watched Xander, but Angel's patience wasn't what it used to be. He set down a brown bag, most likely with the herbs I was supposed to get. The bag's noise made me look at him, and he walked out, slamming the front door after him making Willow jump. I locked eyes with Xander, my eyes begged him not to do anything, and they begged him to do something.

"Don't." I said, but he just watched me. Then he pushed himself up, and began to head for the door. I wanted to jump up and drop kick him do anything to stop him but all I had was my voice. Even if I could get up I wouldn't get far, I wouldn't reach him. I couldn't physically force him to stop, these last few months had wrecked my body I couldn't do anything.

"DON'T!" I yelled again, but I heard the front door slam. "NO! No, No, NO!"

Willow walked into the room startled. It wasn't a great way to wake up from a nap, slamming doors and screaming was never a good sign. She crawled into Angel's big bed next to me, and held me as I shook. She rocked me, and patted down my hair like I was a child who was having a bad nightmare. I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't stop shaking. When she gave up on trying to calm me down, she just held me.

"He's leaving Will… He's going to leave again." I found my voice, but it was weak and cracked at every chance it got. Willow just held onto me, and I just couldn't help it. I wanted him near me but how selfish was that? I mean he was in danger here and I didn't want to tell him because he might leave. I already forced him out of his house, of his apartment. When I calmed down Willow left me alone in the room, I'm sure she was eager to start the spells. If this could go away we could all go back to how it was before. Willow and Xander could get their lives back, Angel could go off with his little blonde girlfriend, and I could go back to being a hollow shell. I hadn't realized how empty my life was with out Angel. Even when he was worried, or brooding he filled the void in my heart.

I grabbed my little IV stand and used it as support. I walked over to Angel's closet, and opened the doors. The waves of endless black and grey clothing greeted my eyes, and gave me a warm feeling. When I was sure Angel was asleep I would steal his clothes, before leaving. A sweater, or a shirt every few weeks or so I'd take them, and stash them at my house. On cold night's I pull them out and snuggle with them. The night he left for the first time I sat in my bed watching my window, holding onto his sweater. I kept thinking he'd appear by my window and tell me that he couldn't go, he couldn't leave me. But he did, and now I've pushed him away again. I grabbed the closet sweater, removed the needle in my hand and peeled off my dirty shirt. I put his sweater on, and used the IV pole to get back to the bed. Putting the needle on the dresser, I turned over.

Tonight I would sleep, and when I woke up I would order Chinese food then I'd hit the books. But for no reason would I remove the only thing I'd have of him. Curling up into a ball I whispered to myself.

"He's leaving."

* * *

Well there's chapter 3.

Thank you to all the reviewers, You guys made me want to write faster. I'll attempt to get the next chapter up soon! Thank You.


	4. Chapter 4

"He's leaving."

The words sank into my core and chilled my bones the minute they left Xander's mouth. I wish I could dream it away, but this wasn't a dream. This was Angel being Angel, he was taking the blame for everything that had happened, and decided to leave. I knew it, I knew Angel would leave I could feel it in my gut. I saw it in his eyes the moment he put down that bag. It was hopeless to try and keep Angel here, he was leaving either way. I turned in the bed, wrapping myself tighter around one of Angel's pillows. Xander placed his hand on my shoulder in comfort, and then he walked out of the room.

Four days later and I was still in the safety of Angel's room. Xander or Willow would come in every so often but I didn't make any attempt to communicate with them. They came in sometimes trying to update me on the situation and sometimes making sure I was still alive. The dreams were becoming more vivid but I slept through them. I was accepting the pain, as our first breaking up fight went through my head. I couldn't figure out his reasoning, but I was trying to be understanding. I was trying to find a way to find the reason he would leave, but I couldn't. I was just getting mad. Getting mad that he is the one who gets to walk away, mad that he isn't holed up in an apartment somewhere crying his eyes out, mad that he got it easier since he stopped loving me. I wished I could hate that man, but all I could do was get mad.

Soon I realized the trouble I was causing. My friends were worried for me not only because of my strange dreams but because I'd gone catatonic since Angel left. I decided I would have to suck it up, and come out of the bed. On the fifth day I left my room. I came out of the protection of the bedroom, and moved about. The first thing I did was order my Chinese food. I ordered everything I wanted, and I paid with money I found hidden in Angel's closet. I got some type of smug feeling from using his money even though I knew it was a hollow victory. It wasn't going to hurt him in the end, it wouldn't matter. But after eating since God knows when, I helped Willow out by running through a list of demons that had control of dreams, or could enhance hallucinations or visions. Someone was doing this to me, and all I know is after my meeting with 'Coffee Guy' I started getting them. If someone was doing this to me they had to be doing it somehow, and either they are using a spell or a demon. The demons were the better suspect just because it was easier. Getting the spell ready, and all the ingredients and finding someone who could cast a spell this big would be difficult. Demon minions would be easier.

The days went by quickly, but the nights dragged on painfully slow. The dreams had been coming on stronger but I woke up less. I suffered through them, giving Willow the full report each morning. I'd been seeing recent events flashes before my eyes as we worked in Angel's apartment. His house had become our home base, and never a day past by that I didn't have on one of his shirts, or sweaters. I sat and stare for hours at his closet doors, hoping for something.

But the list of demons kept expanding, and the most common answer to break a demon's hold on you was to kill it. It was hard not knowing where the demon might be. The demon could be inside this very building, or he could be miles away it all depended on the control they had. Some demons had miles of control; some only had a few feet. But even as we tried to cut down the list it didn't get any smaller. There were just too many things that could hurt you when they went bump in the night. Willow had used most of the herbs and things Angel had gotten, she had tried most of the spells. No one trusted me to go into the sewers again. The frustrating way we worked was taking a toll on us all. Since the whole 'couldn't stop the bleeding' incident Will and Xander had been on full alert.

I was sitting here flipping through demon pictures. If there were any I recognized, any I'd seen in Rome but like Will said it was hopeless. There was too many ways the demons could affect me without even getting close. I closed the book and let it drop on the floor beside me picking up another one. I watched Xander and Willow sitting around the table, scribbling certain things, and rushing around. But all I could notice was the lines in their faces, the bags under their eyes.

"We are going out."

They both turned and looked at me. I closed the book on my lap, and got up out of my chair. We'd been sitting in this apartment for too long. There was an outside world, and we were going to go and be social. If a hallucination attack occurred it wouldn't matter. We would be drunk, and it would all seem like a joke.

"I'm going to get dressed, and then we are going to go to a bar and drink…and have fun."

"Buffy we can't go anywhere…" Willow started but I held my hand up. I would have none of that. Even in my semi-depressed state, the air in the room was stifling. I needed to get out and so did they.

"Hurry up!"

The music blared in my ears as I sat at our table. I smiled to myself at the sound of other people. I liked just sitting here. I was going to go out on that floor and slut dance with every guy I saw, just as soon as Xander and Willow loosened up. No matter what they sat fridge and scared. I laughed at them, why couldn't they just enjoy being out. I could I was happy to be away from it all. From the books, from that apartment, from that man! The last two were a lie; I missed lying in my bed with all his things around me. I missed him, because hung loosely over my tank top was one of his dark button up shirts. I missed him with all my heart, which isn't much to say. My heart has been broken into a million pieces. Right when I thought I could glue some of the big parts together since he broke them last time, he goes and breaks that damn fragile heart of mine again.

Some guy walks up to the table. A nice young black man, his head is bald and he smiles at me.

"Hey girl, you want to dance?"

Willow looks worried, but thinking of Angel makes me want to latch onto who ever is there. I nod my head, and take a hold of his hand as he leads me to the dance floor. A song comes on and we slowly start to move. I feel kind of alive, I feel like I could go on. I could sweep up that heart of mine and try to rebuild. The sway of the music and the heat of his breath on my skin make me feel like I could move on. I could delude myself into thinking everything was going to be alright. Everything would be okay; I was fine in another man's arm. The guy twirled me around, grabbing on to me he pulled me close. My back pressed into his chest, his head leaning on my shoulder. We swayed to the slow paced music. Angel who?

But my nice warm and fuzzy feeling didn't last long because if it did it would be too perfect, too much of what I needed and not enough of Life's sick humor.

"You got hurt?"

I looked down at my hand. I still had it bandaged; I don't think I even removed it the whole month just showered and everything with it on. Why didn't I think to remove it? I didn't need it anymore.

"Yeah, a while back."

"You should take it off. Plus don't worry about him, he'll be back."

I don't know why I didn't ask my mysterious dancer who he was talking about I knew who it was. I didn't ask my mysterious dancer how he knew who I was worried about. I was worried he was out doing something stupid, like hunting down all mind controlling demons and killing them hoping to find the one that's doing this to me. We swayed a little before I could choke up a reply.

"What if I don't want him back?" It was a stupid question. I knew I wanted Angel back and this guy did too. Who was I trying to fool? I turned my head to him and he just smiled at me.

"Tell the boss man, to get his ass in gear."

With that I found I was swaying to the music by myself. The man had literally disappeared right in front of me. I sighed, instantly knowing this was one of those stupid sign things the powers like to send. Though for once it was directly forward, they told me what to do. Take off the bandage. Okay I could do that, but I was afraid to do it here. What if I passed out or something was horrible wrong with it?

I walked back to the table where Willow and Xander looked like they were starting to have a good time. But when I walked up they knew something was wrong. Willow started with the questions before I could get a word out, but all I told them was we had to go. As we walked the few blocks back to the apartment, I tried to explain what had happened. I thought it might have been my own delusion, but Willow assured me they saw a very attractive bald headed black man ask me to dance. So I wasn't completely crazy… yet.

Xander opened the door, and I stepped in still explaining. I was going to get scissors or a knife to cut off the bandage that was tied extra tight, most likely in an attempt to stop the bleeding a month or so ago. I walked by the bed room and stopped. I thought I saw him in the room. I took a deep breath ready to be faced by an apparition, or ghost or delusion but the world was not going to have that. There the real life Angel stood in front of me, standing in my – well his bedroom. Willow walked next to me and followed my line of sight gasping when she saw him.

"Hey." He gave us a weak smile. He walked out of the room making a bee line for me. I stood perfectly still not sure if this was real or not, and hoping it wouldn't go away. He gently tugged on the shirt of his I was wearing, giving me a bright smile. I tilted my head to the side, and let my hand wonder up to his face and caress his cheek. I smiled at him then I slapped him as hard as I could across the face.

"You Ass!"

It was the umpteenth time I told Angel that, but it was all I could say. He was sitting on the couch in the living room looking at his hands, as I stood by the table muttering under my breath. After my display of violent affection Xander removed himself and Willow from the situation by making up something about a book store. I was so angry at Angel; I hadn't said anything but 'You Ass!' to him. It was my new language and that's all you say. Over and over again until it sinks inside his thick skull that he just can't decide to leave then come back a month later and not expect to get slapped. I crossed my arms feeling my bandage through the thin fabric of his shirt. I looked down at my hand.

"How are you doing?"

I looked up and could see Angel's eyes were on my hand. I moved it behind my back, and just looked at him. I wanted to say, 'Fine till you showed up.' I wanted to yell at him. Who does he think he is? He bumps into me, then removes himself from the situation only to pop back up the second I think I could animate myself without him? He has no clue how long it took me to lull myself into a false sense of security, a false sense of happy after he first left. After he left again! Doesn't he know how these things hurt me, then just comes in and says, 'How are you doing?'

"Buffy, I know you're still mad…" He started but I couldn't let him finish.

"You are damn right Angel!"

"I thought it was for your own good! I thought I was doing the right thing!"

"For who Angel, me or you?" He just stopped shocked. He shook his head. He got off the couch and walked closer to me. I didn't know how good of an idea that would be, his tendency of thinking he was always right where I was concerned would get him in trouble. I don't know if I could stay nonviolent if he kept preaching about how he knew what was best for me. He wasn't even in my life the past few years, as he said we lived in different worlds now.

"For you! I was causing this, I'm the problem. I just wanted to make sure you were alright, I knew I should've left sooner…"

"Oh, so once again you can see me but I can't see you?"

"Buffy I…"

He didn't finish his sentence, he just stared at me. I was partly worried that something was wrong, and I stood still for him when he came up close to me. His thumb gently brushed tears from my cheek. I didn't realize I was crying. I was so confused. I wanted Angel to leave, to get out of my life forever. I didn't want this twisted rollercoaster of emotions I felt when I was with him. I could be ready to stake him, and then he'd smile. I wanted him to leave, but yet I wanted him to stay. I wanted to be in his arms, I wanted to be safe with him. I crossed my arms in front of myself.

"Hey…" He whispered to me, as he pulled me closer to him. "It'll be okay Buffy." I just relaxed into his grasp, I let myself mold into him. I wasn't going to be angry anymore. I wasn't going to do anything but just be comforted by him. I wanted to just stay in his arms forever, but he was talking to some girl, and our lives were different now. Angel's life was Angel's, and he could've left if he wanted to. It hurt me still, but what can I say but don't leave?

I pulled back a little and looked into his eyes. I wanted to say something to him, to show that I was alright. Everything _was_ going to be okay, that we didn't have to try and figure out what was going on and our relationship at the same time. I could play adult, I could be mature. But as I stared into his eyes, I found I couldn't say anything to him. He slowly dipped his head, and his lips landed on mine. A little kiss our lips just barely touching for the shortest of times, but this was torture. I knew I needed more than that, I wanted him but I don't think things would work out. I want to tell him we wouldn't work. We couldn't the world didn't work that way, but his lips came down on mine again and I lost all thoughts.

All I could feel was Angel's lips on mine, and my hands found their way around his neck. He pulled me closer and our kisses became desperate. I ran my hand into his hair, and pulled him closer to me. I needed this, this true genuine love. This wonderful feeling, I missed him so much. In this kiss were all the years I longed for him. I kissed him so deeply; I never kissed anyone else like this. I knew this is what The Immortal and 'Coffee Guy' meant when they told me I still loved Angel.

"Angel?"

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Thanks to all my reviewers, I was really happy to see them all. Some of them made me so excited. This chapter was a little tricky, but I hope you enjoy it. I have St. Patty's day off at school, so I hope to write up the next chapter then. Any feedback, or ideas is appreciated. 


	5. Chapter 5

"Angel?"

We broke away our eyes both landing on the door where the blonde girl stood. I moved my hands down from his neck but he still held onto me. We stood there statue still.

"Liz?"

Liz, Liz the blonde girl in the alley way, Liz the girl who was most likely Angel's new girlfriend how could I forget about her? I was stunned; did my mind remove her from the equation? I knew how it felt to be in her position. To watch as the man you love is kissed by someone else. To watch him tell another girl all the things he told you, to just be able to do nothing but watch. I knew the pain in your heart when you realized he was gone, when you realized he was no longer for you only. I knew the pain of losing him. I knew the pain of losing Angel; he was one of a kind. Sweet, kind, strong, handsome Angel, he was someone you would never find again, and I should know I tried.

How could I've done this to someone else? How could I take part in something like this? I knew he was involved with her, and the discussion of current lovers didn't come up in our limited conversation but I knew. I knew this would be too perfect; it would have been too much of what I needed for him to be there and be able to accept me back into his life. This was the real world, and it had consequences. The consequences were never good; there were rarely any good consequences. My heart fluttered in my chest, I could only imagine the pain swelling in hers. I was upset and aggravated, my arm was tingling, and I kept scratching it waiting for Angel.

Angel seemed to be out of answers. He didn't say anything at all, he didn't try to explain or comfort her. He just looked at her; we both just stupidly stared at her. My eyes watered in looking at her, and a huge mass of guilt filled my heart causing my stomach to turn. His hands still hung loosely onto my hips, he hadn't moved or said anything to the girl. I didn't know what to do; I didn't know what to say. What would you say? 'Sorry, I made out with your boyfriend oops, my bad.' It didn't work that way. Something bad was going to happen, and words were going to be said things were going to be yelled, and it was going to be ugly.

I was waiting for the bomb - that I was sure was building in Liz- to hit. She had to be angry, where was this woman's anger. She just stood there waiting, was she waiting for me to leave or for him to explain, and let go of me? What was Angel doing? I couldn't comprehend how he could just stand here not even attempting to get out an explanation. The silence was killing me. Angel broke his connection when he looked at me and then at my arm. I too looked down to find I'd scratched myself so hard I drew blood. I needed to get that damned bandage off.

Of course Angel had distracted me once again, and I pushed away his hands making my way for the bathroom. I could hear Liz say something to him. As I searched for something sharp I tried to listen in on the conversation, but it was no good. The only thing I could hear was the light rumble of their voices in the next room. I found a razor in one of Angel's drawers, and walked into the living room. If my arm was so itchy I could only imagine what was underneath it, and I figured if I was to faint there should be people who would see me, perhaps even catch me before any damage was done.

But Angel's mind didn't work like mine, and the moment he saw the razor in my hand he looked concerned. I sat down at the table staring at my arm. I was half afraid of what was under it. Willow said the cut was magically induced and since magic was used, there could be side effects. Side effects! That meant warts, discoloration, or anything! I could have an eye growing out of my hand for all I knew! Willow also didn't know _why_ the spell was cast, and the spell could have been trying to have me grow some weird thing on my hand. I slowly put the razor under a part of my bandage and went sliced the wrapping. I put the razor down and tried to remove the bandage but I couldn't. Who ever wrapped it did so very crazy and everything lapped over one another. I would have to cut the whole thing off.

I went to reach for the razor but found that Angel was faster. He took the razor, and held my hand still. He put the blade underneath the bandage at the top and cut straight down. Then he pulled it off, and looked at me. I didn't look at him but at Liz, who seemed to have been crying which made me feel guiltier yet. He eventually looked at her, and it was like he'd forgotten she'd even been there. He led her to the other end of the room, and I could hear the hushed whispers. Trying to get my mind off the problem that was Angel and I, I decided to inspect my hand.

So far everything seemed normal. Peach skin, five fingers, same normal knuckles and fingernails, so far so good it didn't seem like it did anything to my hand at all. But I kept my hand flat against the table. I knew if anything was wrong it would be on the palm of my hand, and I was a little scared. Taking a deep breath, I picked up my hand and flipped it over. Then I frowned.

Angel must have been watching me, and not paying attention to Liz because he was over by my side in seconds. I looked at him, and he frowned too. He grabbed my hand, and pulled it closer to him. I was worried, and so was he. Burned on to my palm was a triangle, with wings and a halo. The triangle started where my middle finger connected to my palm, with the other two points at the connection from palm to thumb, and across from that. The wings spanned to the end on my hand and the halo looped around the point about a half an inch down.

What the hell did this mean? Liz hovered over my shoulder for a while before backing away. I looked back at my hand and Angel was tracing over the marking. His fingers made my skin tingle. He went over the wings and the halo, over and over again. I knew what was in his head; this symbol was making reference to …

"It's some sort of angel reference."

We both spun around to see Liz pacing by the fire place. I found it weird she knew exactly what I was thinking but she wasn't looking at me, she was looking at Angel.

"Come on Angel, don't play this game." She said before pointing at my hand. "We both know you're going to end up blaming yourself for this. How do you even know if it means you?"

I looked at Angel, who seemed embarrassed but also like he was actually considering the fact that Liz was right and that this symbol may have nothing to do with him. This couldn't be right! Where was Angel? Where was he and who was this foreign person standing next to me? Didn't we just have this conversation before Liz walked in? He told me he was causing the dreams, that he was the problem! What Liz comes in and in one little tiny sentence gets him to reconsider the whole thing? What extraordinary powers does this woman have? Pulling my hand from Angel's grasp, I stood up trying to get away from him. All of sudden he listens to his girlfriends, and considers their feelings and points of views even if it's against their best welfare? Angel really had changed.

I looked at Liz, and then at him. They were just staring at each other, and I knew I had no right to get angry… well at Liz anyway. Liz isn't the one who made him run away, and Liz isn't the one who put ideas into his thick skull. I could tell that I was no longer apart of Angel's life and that he had moved on. He grew, and has become a better person. Fine whatever. He should be able to do what he wants with his own life, but where does he get off making the decisions in mine? He doesn't get to decide he's the problem, and there's no way in hell he gets to decide he's the reason for the dreams I have! He doesn't get to decide anything. I'm out of his life, and he was out of mine. While we've bumped into each other, it's time to separate them again.

I walked into the bedroom and pulled out my bag. Willow went back and grabbed some things for me during my month of leisure in Angel's apartment. Slowly I began packing, I took the shirt of Angel's I was wearing and threw it into the bottom of my bag before throwing my clothes over it. I pulled on my jacket before taking a deep breath. I needed it because when I walked out Angel and Liz were hugging. I knew I had to give him up but it still hurt to see him with some one else but it was obviously for the better. I mean they seemed really happy, and I couldn't try to break them up. I wanted to just leave while they were wrapped in each others arms, but I wasn't going to pull an Angel, and just walk out on someone without explaining or saying good bye. While I was tempted to do it, just so Angel could feel what it was like, I didn't want to be vindictive and bitter.

"Where are you going?"

Well this wasn't starting off well. I missed my chance to get the first word in by standing there trying to think of how to tell him. He took a couple steps toward me before his eyes switched to the bag on my shoulder. Pulling the bag on my shoulder more I sighed.

"Angel, I'm leaving."

His eyes snapped up to mine.

"Where would you go?"

"I'm a big girl Angel; I've been on my own before."

"Buffy..."

"Angel, just don't." I could already hear the anger in his voice rising, and I didn't want to fight. I wanted to go, get away. I needed to be firm. "Don't get mad, Angel. There's no point I'm leaving anyway."

I brushed past him, or tried really because he grabbed my arm, and I had to spin to face him. Apparently he hadn't changed too much, because unlike when Liz told him not to do something, he wasn't going to listen to me. He was now fully pissed, and by his grip on my arm was not going to listen to anything other than my fists.

"Don't get mad? Why can't I get mad? You always get mad! Hell, for once, I'm not going to be that bad guy here Buffy!"

"It's different!" I yelled back at him and wrenched my arm away making my way for the door once again. Liz was standing beside the table, not to far from the door and I was considering stopping to apologize to her but as I got closer she backed away from me. Was she that mad at me? I went to take a step closer to her, but she moved back again and I soon knew why. Angel was right behind me. He grabbed me around the waist and threw me onto the couch. I looked at him but it seemed like he instantly regretted what he did.

"I'm sorry," He pointed to me on the couch, and I got that was what he was apologizing for. "But how is this different?"

I stood myself up, and wiped imaginary dust from my pants. I felt like crying, I wasn't supposed to cry. I was supposed to leave and go on with life. I wasn't supposed to be feeling sorry for myself, I'd done enough for that the first time Angel left me, and the most recent time. I was done. Done with this little game we played, and I was ending it now. With all the strength I could muster to keep my voice from breaking, I pointed at Angel and continued on.

"Because, I announced I was leaving. I came to say g-goodbye, I didn't sneak off into the night, and I didn't have someone else tell you I was leaving! I-"

"I knew it was a bad time to come back, Will!"

My head snapped to the door where Willow and Xander stood. Xander was holding a few bags, and it seemed there actually was a book store they needed to go to. Xander shook his head, and walked around Liz to place the bags on the table. Willow shut the door. She walked up to me, and grabbed my hand.

"You took off the bandage?"

I nodded, and flipped over my hand for her. Her eyes widened, and she pulled my hand closer.

"The Tawaret Charm..."

Willow nodded. She seemed almost… happy. Actually Willow was really happy but Angel didn't look happy, he frowned at Willow, and poor Liz looked like she was white as a ghost. My thoughts tried to scramble around to find a way to explain to her. I felt like I needed to say something to her. After all Angel didn't seem ready to give any words of comfort, or explanation. I silently cursed him. What was wrong with him today? He couldn't be comforting? He could say one nice word to his girlfriend? What was going on?

I wanted to say something, and I really couldn't think of what. What do you say to a girl, who may or may not have any knowledge of the grimy truth? But Liz had to know…she just had to! She was most likely dating a vampire, but still there was this nagging feeling in my head that something was wrong with Liz. That's when it popped into my head, it had taken weeks for me to figure out Angel was a vampire. Angel and I even shared our first kiss before I knew he was a vampire, Liz might have no idea… No…No, she _had_ to know, right? I decided the best way to convey the message was to give her a hug. I just knew if I tried to talk to her it wouldn't come out right.

"We should call Giles!"

Willow was overly excited with this, which made me less nervous. It didn't seem to help Angel any. He still looked pissed off, and upset. I felt bad… not so much for him as Liz. I wanted to say something to her, but I still couldn't think of what to say. She was off in the back being ignored by Angel, once again. He was beside Willow trying to make sense of the jumble of syllables coming out of her mouth. I smiled at her, it been a while since she seemed so happy. But seeing as this was distracting Angel I took this as my opportunity to talk to Liz. We hadn't really talked and I need to clear the air. I need to tell her I wasn't trying to steal her boyfriend… Okay that would be hard but still. I don't want to be the bad guy either; all this poor girl has seen of me was crazy Buffy.

I cleared my head; I would have to do this soon. I took a step toward her, but once again she stepped back. So I continued on to her, she had to hit a wall sometime. But she skirted around me, and latched onto Angel. They shared one meaningful look then she pulled him towards apartment door without even looking back. I now realize how stupid my plan was. The girl was scared, and tired. She caught me making out with her boyfriend, and I had some crazy symbol burned into my skin that gets identified as 'The Tawaret Charm', and I'm trying to hug her! Why was hugging the best way again?

I gave a smile as Will came up to me. She was telling me something about it was a good thing, and Giles had a book and he would call when he got it, or something like that but I wasn't paying attention. I was looking over her head where Angel and Liz stood talking quietly. Once again the shared that whole, meaning full look thing. Angel's eyes captured mine, and Liz opened the door. He broke contact, and slammed the door. Willow was going on about something or another, but I still wasn't paying any attention to it. She smiled at me. I gave her back one; she moved back to the table and began to scribble out a list. I could see her and Xander going over it. I moved myself into the bedroom, and sitting on the bed I watched the sun rise.

"Angel…"

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Okay, so here's the next installment. Sorry that it took so long to get up. I hope you all enjoy it. For the next chapter I'm thinking of doing it in Angel's Point of View. Would that be alright? Or does anyone have any qualms about it? Thanks to all my reviews! Hopefully this answers some of your questions, and some of you have guessed right. (coughWellxWishercough) Any Feedback is appreciated!


	6. Chapter 6

**Angel's Point of View**

* * *

"Angel…"

My head was throbbing. Did I get hit by a bus? What the hell was going on? Where the hell was I? If vampires could get sick, I would say I was going too…and soon.

"Angel…?"

My eyes shot open at the sound of another voice. It took a while before the darkness cleared from my eyes, and I forced myself to sit up. Wanting to reel back due to the indescribable pain that each tiny movement causes. I tried to take in my surroundings, and find out who was talking. Looking toward the door way I found out who was there. Liz. Well that answered one thing. I was at Liz's, Alright so I was at Liz's, not something completely weird. I've spent the night on her couch plenty of times, hell I even kept some extra clothes here. The clouds mucking up my head prevent any further thought on the weird factor. I just wanted to know how the hell I got here.

"Are you okay? I mean, I know you're a creature of the night and all but you've never slept in this late…"

I looked up at her, my head still pounding. I couldn't really tell what she looked like, but she was standing in the door way looking in at me. For some reason my eyes still had darkness claiming the edges of my sight, and my head didn't want to work. Some how I managed to form a coherent sentence.

"I'm fine. What time is it?"

"Four o'clock in the after noon."

"Oh…" God, how long was I out? What day is it? I need sometime to think. I needed Liz to go away.

"Well I got breakfast –more like an early dinner, its nothing much just some eggs, and bacon you know if you want some. But why would you, you don't eat. Wow, Liz, vampire… So yeah, I'm just going to hide in the kitchen now…"

She was gone before I could nod. But it was weird, Liz never stammered over her sentences and she would never forget I'm a vampire she always took time to remind me. What went on last night? Did something happen, well of course something had to happen if I couldn't remember what the hell happened? When it feels like you'd been slammed in a car crusher repeatedly long complicated thought processes where not good. Sighing I tried to fix the pillows behind me so I could get better situated on the bed. Wait…Bed? Why would there be a bed? For the first time I took a good look around the room, and I found I was not lying on the couch in the living room, but was sitting in _Liz's_ bed. I was in Liz's bedroom. I pushed off the covers, to find I was only in my boxers. I was in Liz's bedroom in my boxers, with a shaky memory of last night. This did not bode well. I got up to find my pants on the floor, along with my jacket. Pulling the pants on I sat back on the bed trying to remember. What happened?

Sitting here huffing because I can't remember what happened wouldn't do anything. I wasn't going to brood; of course that's what Buffy thought I was doing; off brooding for something. Buffy… what did she think? I'd run off brooding if she went away? Who'd go and brood? I wouldn't, I didn't brood. I was clear minded. It wouldn't work between us, it just couldn't. Why would it… she just aggravated me so much. I was frustrated and angry but why did I throw her? That was wrong.

"_Angel, just don't" She told me, and I knew she could clearly see how upsetting this was to me. How dare she tell me don't? How do you go from kissing to saying it's over your leaving? Didn't we go through this once? Didn't we have the big talk about waiting, and cookies? This was ridiculous. "Don't get mad, Angel. There's no point I'm leaving anyway."_

_She can just say it like that? She can just go off and into the world? How does she crash into my world and swim away? This wasn't fair that she was the one who got to pick, it isn't fair that we can't be together because of what we do, or who we are. It isn't fair that we could work if we weren't who we were. She brushed my shoulder, and I knew if I let her go she would keep going. She wouldn't stop at the door, she wouldn't come back, she wouldn't let me back in. She wouldn't keep me informed, she wouldn't think of me. She once told me she sometime she thought that far ahead, but now wasn't one of those times and if she went through that door there would be no more sometimes. I grabbed on her arm, what else was there? I had to keep here with me, she had to listen. The force of it made her to spin around and face me. I looked at her._

"_Don't get mad? Why can't I get mad? You always get mad! Hell, for once, I'm not going to be the bad guy here Buffy!" I practically spat at her. I was mad. I was very mad. "It's different!" She shot back in retaliation. I knew she was right. I knew she earned this. She for once was going to leave me. I left her broken in my run to L.A., and in attempts to stop the dreams that I've caused. No matter how stupid that was; she was already having the dreams. I just wanted it to stop, wanted her to get better. Seeing her lying in bed with the IV in her I just couldn't bare it. And while she was supposed to leave, while it was her every right I knew I couldn't let her go. I didn't want this to turn out wrong again. I didn't want this to go on. I was upset, but about what I couldn't figure out. She moved closer and closer to the door. I just had to do it._

_I ran to her and grabbed her around the waist. I flung her onto the couch, and took in a deep breath. How'd that happen? How could I just grab her like that? She was _right _I knew she should be doing this. We have been reminded to many times that we lived in different worlds. I could feel the guilt creep on my face, __I apologized while pointing at the couch. I wasn't sorry I was mad, just sorry I threw her__. I knew she understood what I was saying; she stood wiping imaginary dust from her pants. She was trying to gain control of a world crashing out of control, and I was no help. I did nothing but cause problems for her. But I still had to ask, "How is this different?" I had to hear her say what I knew she would. I watched as she took a step towards me, pointing her finger out at me accusingly. "Because, I announced I was leaving. I came to say g-goodbye, I didn't sneak off into the night and I didn't have someone else tell you I was leaving! I-"_

_Willow and Xander arrived at the right time. Xander instantly groaned, and complaining to Willow about how he knew it was a bad time to come back. Willow was smiling at him but her eyes were fixated on Buffy's right hand, the hand that had been damaged, the one with the weird symbol on it, the symbol that just had to reference an 'Angel' somewhere. It was unsettling how fixated she was on it. Xander moved to place a couple of bags on the table and Willow shut the door. She then marched up to Buffy, "You took the bandage off?" Buffy nodded, and flipped her hand over for Willow. The way Willow's face lit up scared me, no matter how happy she looked it still didn't look well. "The Tawaret Charm!"_

_I frowned at her. I didn't like the sound of that nor the fact Willow was so acquainted with it. She was rambling on but I was watching Buffy, and Buffy seemed to be staring off into space. Then Willow said something about Giles, and that raised the alarm. I walked over to Willow, who was now at the table scribbling on a piece of paper. She looked at me, and froze before giving me a reassuring smile. In a shower of words Willow attempted to explain what it meant, but I got the message it was nothing bad, and Buffy would be alright. I turned my head to see Buffy walking over to Liz, but Liz was trying to get away. Which was in fact surprising, why would she run? Liz had been up against worse things than Buffy. Buffy was closing in on her when she skirted around her, and clung onto my arm. Latching eyes I could just see how scared she was, and the need to get out. Liz pulled me back towards the door and I allowed myself to go. Willow was saying something about a book but I wasn't paying attention I was looking at Buffy._

_Looking into Buffy's eyes I felt I should stay. I felt the she wanted me there, that the troubles I caused didn't matter and she would be happy if I just stayed. I should at least explain what was going on to her. Liz was kind of upset. Buffy must have thought me and Liz were dating but it wasn't like that Liz was a sister to me. I couldn't do anything like that with Liz, but I still felt the need to protect her just as any big brother would do. The look in Buffy's eyes made me want to stay, but Liz tugged on my arm. I looked down at her, and the feeling disappeared. I followed her out into the hallway. _

"_We should take the sewers Angel its light out now."_

_I nodded, following as the girl led me down the hallway. She was gabbing away about finding someplace to talk, and getting something to eat. _

I felt dizzy, which was weird. I'm a vampire, vampires don't get dizzy. With a heaving sigh, I got up to pace around the room. I tried to recall what we did after we went down the hallway. I can see Liz's head in front of me as we descended the stairs to get to the basement but nothing else. Just flashes of things, a chair or a bench. Something else, but the images flashed past my eyes too quickly. I couldn't recognize any of them, they were just a blur. I felt like slamming my hand into something. It was aggravating, why could I remember? I knew something was up, there had to be something going on. I didn't just lose track of large sums of time like this.

I was guessing that it wasn't that same day. That in fact I had spent more time here than I thought I would've. I just wanted Liz to calm down, she seemed worried yesterday. She pulled me into the corner, asking tons of questions about Buffy's mark, and what I knew about it. I was worried about her. She had seen some bad things in her life but never this much at once. All the magic and spells they were talking about freaked Liz out. I didn't mean to stay a day and a half. I was worried about what happened yesterday, but why should I? There isn't anything going on between me and Liz, or wasn't. We have a purely friend relationship, or had. This was frustrating. Why could I remember what happened? I could remember things I'd done hundreds of years ago, but suddenly last night was wiped clean? There had to be something that I could remember. Sighing, I put my hands into the pockets of my pants, and found a receipt. Bonita's Kitchen…?

_We walked out of the sewers into the shady alley beside Bonita's Kitchen, it was a little restaurant that looked like it belong somewhere down in the south, in Texas, in the middle of nowhere. But this was not the case; it was here in the big city clustered in between an antique shop and a loan shark. Also it had a back door for it's more…demonic customers. It was early morning, and I was surprised it was even open. We walked in the back door, Liz pointed out a couple seats we could take and I went to sit down. Liz was talking to some of the other waitresses and I guessed this is where she worked. Or at least when she wasn't helping me out._

_I watched as she laughed with some of the other ladies. Liz seemed calmer now and she looked like she was having fun. She looked like a little kid again, and I smiled as I watched her. Even though I swore I wouldn't take on any more human companions, Liz was different. In the past there had always been people around me, a group of my friends who would help me help the … helpless. But being with me was dangerous, and as it is almost all of my companions died because of me. Doyle to Gunn, they all lived with me and died. __I couldn't let that happen again, and no one was safe. Even Spike, who in the end showed who the true champion was, gave his life for the greater good…again. I was the one who incurred the hated wrath from the Senior Partners, and yet I was the only one to survive. It wasn't fair and I refused to let it happen a third time. I wouldn't let anyone die because of me ever again. _

_That's when Liz showed up. I found her in one of back rooms of a vampire nest I was clearing out. She had multiple bite wounds, cuts and bruises all over, and some of her skin burned. She was scared at first but as time went on I learned more about her. She was six when vampires attacked her house. Her mother had invited in some salesmen who had nothing to sell, and viciously ripped her parents apart in front of her. The vampires took her, and sold her as a toy. The vampires she belonged to would feed off her, or torture her. They barely kept her alive. Just enough to make sure she didn't die, but never letting her gain enough strength for her to be able to escape. I felt sorry for her, but I couldn't let her stay with me. The memories of the bodies in post-apocalypse L.A. were fresh in my mind. I wandered around just looking at the bodies that piled up the destruction everything was still fresh. Even though the next day the streets showed no sign of damage, and only a multitude of bodies were left I knew it happened. I knew it was because of me, and this girl had already been through hell once. She didn't need it again._

_So I took her in, but only till she was strong enough to live her own life. She got better over time, and we got her an apartment, and I set her up nicely, ready to disappear from her life. I went back to fighting crime, and found she wasn't going to let me go so quickly. She knocked on my apartment door with battle axe in hand saying she as ready to go. I never re-opened Angel Investigations; it would be too much like before. But Liz and I go out every night and keep the vampire population down. I could barely believe it was only six months ago that I saved her, but it's been a good six month. _

_I looked at her and smiled. She was walking over to the table. Looking at her now, I could tell she was a vibrant young woman; she talked non-stop, and reminded me of my younger sister, Kathy. Kathy had always looked upon me with sadness in her eyes, since she usually walked in when my Father and I were fighting, mostly me getting yelled at. But she was always a sweet girl, with a kind word to say about even the most evil villain. Liz seemed like that now, a child even though she was roughly around twenty-two. I never had the nerve to ask her exact age. Liz chattered on about gossip she'd received from her co-workers, it was concerning, Rachel who disappeared from work last night only to show up at the managers house, alive and fully _functional_. Liz had actually gotten me hooked on the story of this girl Rachel, who was always appearing in peoples…houses. _

_So I was completely unprepared when her next questions shot out of her mouth, and these were not questions I could answer. Not only did I not want to explain, but I couldn't explain. Some of the questions she asked, I didn't have the answers too, and I was afraid of what the answers would be…._

"_How are you and Buffy? You two going to get back together? Because really I felt this vibe from Xander and her, all looking at each other in that way… you know what I'm talking about that I-got-a-secret way? Just like how he knew about the dreams and …"_

I tried to recall what came next. What were the next words in her sentence? How did I react? What happened? I couldn't remember. I couldn't think it was foggy in my head, and each time I tried to access those memories it just came in a blur. Pushing my mind clear, I closed my eyes and concentrated on last night. I wanted the memories to flow smoothly but that wasn't going to happen. I was hit with random images, a dock, a fancy restaurant with candles, someone touching my shoulder, giggles, laughter, something smooth moving across my skin, then nothing. I couldn't recall any images, but my head felt like it was about to explode from the pressure. I could only guess this is what it felt like to have one of those bone-crushing visions.

The pounding in my head died to a slight pain but it didn't seem like it was going anywhere. I wasn't going to try anything again now, anyways. I would have to tell Willow this privately somehow, I didn't want Buffy to know I lost a whole day's worth of memories with Liz. Buffy had enough to worry about without adding me to the mix. I was still sure I was the problem with her dreams. Come on, could you blame me? From what Xander told me, she is having nightmares about our relationship, how does that not have a connection to me? Pulling my thoughts away from Buffy, I focused on my next problem. Liz. I couldn't remember what happened last night, and I just hoped she did. I need to know what went on, and where we stood. Since I don't really remember what happened, anything could have happened. Sighing, as I looked to the door I wondered what would happen if I just didn't get up. What if I just stayed in bed today? I knew that couldn't happen.

Getting up I walked towards the door, and found my shirt lying there. I picked it up, and put it on. Then I threw my coat on and went head first into a very awkward situation. Liz was sitting at the kitchen table in her apartment playing with the few bits of eggs and bacon on her plate. She looked up as I walked into the room and smiled. I gave her a half smile, and she started thanking me for taking her out last night. I tried to sound interested in what she was saying, but I was trying to think on how to bring up my question.

"-- and did very painful probing on you."

What? I looked up at Liz; I had completely missed the first part of the sentence lost in my thoughts. But I think she knew I wasn't listening, she was looking at me. I smiled at her, but it didn't seem to relieve her. She shook her head and pointed her fork at me.

"What is wrong with you?"

That was a question I myself wanted answered. I didn't have an answer for her, because I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I decided to plunge head first into the topic that was occupying my mind.

"Did we do anything last night?"

"Well, yes, we went to eat, and along the boardwalk, I mean you were there weren't you?"

"Yes and No. I can't remember most of last night. So did anything _happen_ between us?"

She blinked at me, and seemed confused. She didn't know what I meant, and I really didn't want to explain what I meant. I wished I could just leave it alone, but I had to know. I sighed, and looked her in the eyes.

"I mean… I woke up in your bed in my boxers, and it just doesn't look good--"

"Oh! No. No. Nothing like that!" She cut me off, and practically shouted her denial. I was relieved and smiled at her. I got up from my seat and walked to her front door. My head was still lightly throbbing and I needed some fresh air. I need to try and get to the bottom of why I couldn't remember. I could hear Liz get up from her chair; I turned to see her walking into the living room. She was holding her pink robe close to her, and her feet in bright bunny slippers. Her hair was messed up, and I wanted to laugh at her, she looked silly that way but her face was alarming. She looked worried, and sad? I couldn't really tell.

"You are going to see Buffy, right?"

I was slightly aggravated at this question. Why did it matter? I walked out the door.

I had to wait at least another hour before sunset. I wanted to relive the night and see if actually going to the places could jog my memory, but I would have to figure out where we were. Why I didn't ask Liz when I had the chance? I was too prideful to go back now; I stormed out over such a simple question. Sighing I leaned up against a wall. I'm just no good with women. I never was. My first real relationship was with Darla, and she turned me into the murdering psychopath. Then, of course, the shamble of my relationship with Buffy, which I know all too well how that turned out. Of course there was Cordy, though that never really got anywhere. Then Nina, I turned her away after only a few weeks. I kicked a rock down the tunnel.

Buffy. So much has happened between us. I just wish they would leave it alone. Buffy had saved the world she had done her time, why couldn't the Powers leave her alone? Now with this dream thing, what did they expect to accomplish? With all the slayers Buffy shot out into the world she didn't have to be on evil duty twenty four seven, so why couldn't the powers choose one of them? Why was it always Buffy?

And even though I felt bad through all the pressure she was put through I wondered what she was doing in her life. I wondered if she ever thought of us again. Would she find some wiggle room so we could try again? Even though I was worried about her and her recent condition, I wanted her to get better and I knew this was defiantly not the time to be asking things like this but I wanted to know…were the cookies done? And if so, could I have any?

Shaking my head, I recalled the last time I'd seen her. She was ready to pack up and leave. And leave. I slammed my hand into a wall. I left with Liz, who in Buffy's reasoning was my girlfriend, for a day and a half. I smashed my hand into the wall again leaving a hole. She was probably long gone by now. Would she have really left? She was going too, she really was. She had her bag packed, ready to walk out the door prepared with a leaving speech and everything. Without me to stand in the way would she leave? What if I went back to the apartment and found her stuff cleared away and only a faint trace of her scent still catching on my things? Would I care?

No. No I wouldn't care. It was the right thing. She could leave for all I cared; she could be long gone half way around the world. Why did it matter to me? Of course I love her still, and I care deeply for her but it was her own choice to leave. It was up to her, and it wasn't any of my business. I slammed my hand into the wall till my knuckles started to bleed. I had made the hole even bigger, and the bricks were stained with blood. Swearing I ran through the tunnels, trying to get to the one under my building. I knew the tunnel path from Liz's house to mine well, but I couldn't move fast enough. Each second ticked away was another second that her scent would fade. I knew I shouldn't but I wanted to make sure she was okay. I would follow her, and watch to make sure she was okay but I wouldn't interfere with her life. I still loved her deeply, and I wanted to be apart of her life. But if she wouldn't let me I would watch from afar.

She once told me 'I just know that when you're around, whether I see you or not, - I feel you.' But I somehow doubt that is still the case. I should just let her get on with her life, shouldn't I? But some how I couldn't resist myself, and I still ran. Climbing up the ladder into the basement, I ran up the flights of stairs and stood out side my apartment. Standing by the door, my super vampire hearing alerted me there were people inside.

"It's a little dangerous, Buffy."

That was Willow who was talking. She was talking about something dangerous, most likely to do with whatever Giles found out. I didn't like that, I knew Giles didn't trust me, and I didn't trust him either. Scowling I opened the door.

"What's dangerous?"

* * *

I'm sorry it took me so long to get this out to you. I found that Angel was a hard character to write for me so I apologize for any OOC that Angel might display. I hope you like it. Thank you to all my reviews, and any readers who are still there .


	7. Chapter 7

"What's dangerous?"

All of our heads snapped to Angel as he burst into the room. I wanted to ignore the fact that he was there, just as I had ignored all my worries about him. Well that was a lie. I really wanted to ignore him bursting in and pretend like it didn't matter, but I had failed miserably in my attempt to ignore the fact that he and Liz left yesterday. I also failed at trying to not stare at the clock yesterday. Angel was the only thing on my mind as I tried to find something to do with myself, but all I could think about was him. All I could think about was what he and his…friend might be doing. I had spent all day yesterday, and pretty much all of last night also waiting for Angel to walk through the front door and explain everything to me. While I waited my lovely mind tortured me with thoughts of Angel and Liz, bursting through the door then he looking at me and saying, 'Why are you still here?'

Because of said thoughts and visions I had gotten no sleep. I couldn't bring myself to face the magically induced nightmares when my daydreams were harsh enough. My daydreams were already starting to take on a scary life like feeling. So I stayed up all night watching the door hoping he would get home soon, and dreading it.

But now that Angel was here in the flesh standing in front of me, without Liz or any thing else from my daydreams I could start to feel the anger build up. I was angry at myself for being fooled by him, angry that I let him control my thoughts again, angry that I let him play with my heart like this, and angry I hadn't left. What had I confronted him for yesterday if I wasn't going to leave? I still had the bag packed; it sat beside Angel's bed just waiting for me to take it. Why didn't I just grab it? The minute I saw him leave with Liz, why didn't I just go and pick it up? Why didn't I just say, 'Okay guys, we have to get the hell out of here.' then pack the rest of our junk and leave? Why couldn't I have done that? We would have been long gone before Angel returned.

I scoffed at myself in my head, why? I could answer that, because I still loved Angel. I want to be with him, and deep down I don't care what happens or who we will end up hurting.

I was pulled out of my thoughts with a cough from Xander. The room had stayed perfectly silent since Angel's outburst, and as always I had been too distracted by Angel to do anything. I had to push him out of my thoughts; I couldn't let myself get distracted by something that will never happen. I have to work on the things I could fix. I could pretend he wasn't here, and get on with what I needed to hear. Willow had also been up all night talking to Giles. She had called him the second she saw my hand. Willow was sure Giles had a book on the Charm itself. Once Giles found it he and Will talked from the afternoon of yesterday to just a few minutes ago. She was just starting to explain what Giles and her thought was going on when Angel burst in.

"What's dangerous Will?" I asked, and she nodded at me. Angel looked slightly ticked that even though our questions were the same she only answered when I asked.

"Okay, the Tawaret Charm is a good thing. It dates back to somewhere in the 1200's. First was used by a wizard to protect his house from demons. It worked well for him, as it spread others started developing new ways for it to be used, an apprentice a few centuries later burned it into his skin, and after performing the ritual he could uncover demons." Willow explained, " He tested it on a couple people he thought to be vampires hiding out in a town near by. He made them show their…'grr face' by touching them with the symbol burned into his hand, and forced them out of hiding."

"That doesn't sound dangerous, Will."

"It was. It took a lot of power to cast it. Half the time either the people who it was cast on died, or the caster died. It was varied each time since everyone was too afraid to write it down since the magic was so fragile with one changed word it could end up killing millions, or it could give an upper hand to demons. You would hate to have to fight a demon with one of these marks burned onto his hand that, instead of making demons show themselves, burned humans alive."

Angel was not happy about that explanation, and I wasn't too happy about it either. I didn't realize the magnitude of this one little symbol. But Will saw how worried I was and was quick to explain.

"I said it was. In Egypt during the 1400's a group of priests fixed the spell. Something was added to it that made it stable. Since it protected against evil, the elders placed the charm on all the children and women at the time. After that the charm was related to protecting pregnant women and children more than protection from demons. It was eventually named the Tawaret Charm, in the name of the Ancient Egyptian god, Tawaret protector of pregnant women, and children."

"Well that doesn't sound bad." I looked down at my hand, and the little symbol burned into my hand. It seemed helpful really, especially if the death rate was in effect reduced to zero. "So, why didn't I get one of these before? This could have been really helpful."

"No one has been able to cast it. The spell itself was virtually forgotten in Europe and the rest of the world, and the Egyptians never gave any clue to what special ingredient fixed the spell no one knew how to cast it. A few people have tried to recreate the spell but after casting their insides burned into liquid."

Of course it had to end badly. What was I thinking? If this Charm was easy to cast, or didn't have a big bad history, it wouldn't matter. I could feel the tension in the room as they all waited for my response, they all wanted to know what was up with Buffy. I could feel tears starting to creep into my eyes but I wouldn't cry. I won't let whoever or whatever was doing this to me get the satisfaction of watching me cry. Sucking it up, I looked at Willow. I wanted to ask her, so what is the plan? What do we do now, where do we go from here but the words wouldn't form. My voice wouldn't work, and I couldn't speak.

"So what does this mean?" Angel asked for me. He said the words I wanted to say but couldn't. Even though he was talking to Willow I could feel his eyes on me. I couldn't look at him; I didn't want to see what his eyes held for me. I had tons of situations where he came back to tell us to get the hell out, lots of day dreams of him telling me it was over and done with. He lied when he said he'd wait for me. I couldn't look at his face, so I stared at Willow. But the frown resting in her eyes didn't look any better.

"We, Giles and I, have a theory." She spoke slowly, and I could tell she was picking her words out carefully. But if it was because they were hard to hear, or because Angel seemed to increase in aggression every time Giles was brought up, I wasn't sure. "There are two powers at work, the ones that are good, and the ones that are bad. They both have to be ancient powers, who've watched over this world for centuries…"

"But that's not who we should be worried about." Angel piped in and Willow nodded. I didn't like where this was going.

"Yes, they are most likely in another dimension. We need to worry about their followers that are here in this one. They are the ones causing the dreams, and the ones who were battling over what appeared on your hand. We found a spell that would make you bleed like that and if I didn't stop the cut; your hand would have scarred not allowing the charm to appear."

"Okay…" I sighed; this was giving me a headache. I couldn't handle too much more of this. I could feel the hours of sleep I had skipped now, and I was groggy and tired. But the thought of a bed, and dreaming sent shivers up my spine. Closing my eyes I asked the one thing I had to know. "Where do we go from here?"

Nothing. Utterly Nothing. I could only hear Willow and Xander's slightly labored breathing. I looked up at Willow, but there was no explanation waiting for me. Then it hit me, this wasn't something that I could deal with. I couldn't just do some magic mojo, beat up a few bad guys and have everything be all right. I've been in situations like this before but there was always a plan, there was always an idea for a plan something I could hold on to. But we didn't know anything about these creatures that controlled our lives, we couldn't stop them. They were higher than us; they were in another dimension, somewhere far from my fists.

"So what? We just sit here and wait?"

"Buffy…" Will started but she just couldn't finish her sentence, she couldn't promise things would be better. She couldn't promise everything would turn out okay. It was shown how powerful these creatures were already, and our arsenal wasn't prepared for this. I searched for eyes around the room, Willow bowed her head, and Xander turned his eyes away but Angel locked contact with me. I knew at that moment no matter what happened Angel would be there, he would be there for me. But even though he gave me this comfort, I didn't know if I could deal with the feelings I had for him. I turned back to Willow.

"So what am I? Just some plaything for these powers?"

No one would answer me. My eyes darted to Willow but she moved her head away. Frantically I looked at Xander, but he didn't offer any sign of an answer. I could feel my breath quickening, no one would answer me. Should I look at Angel? Would he have answer waiting in his eyes for me? Would I want to hear those answers? I swallowed, trying to push the huge lump in my throat down. If I looked at Angel, even if things were disastrous, would his half smile warm my heart? I push the thought of finding comfort from Angel out of my head, I couldn't lean on him. He wasn't here because he wanted to be, he was here because I fell into his lap. I couldn't just demand him to take care of me, he had someone. He wasn't in my range anymore, this isn't when I was sixteen, and I could rely on him for support. I was old enough now to be my own woman, to take things as they came.

Keeping my eyes adverted from Angel's, I turned back to Will. She sighed, and nervously brought up her head. My eyes caught hers, and I could see no answer, or plan or anything of comfort. The room was closing in, and everything was spinning. This wasn't good, I could feel my breath quicken, and I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't do anything against these…things. I couldn't go and beat up the things that were causing all my trouble; I couldn't just finish it in one blow. I was stuck. Completely and totally helpless, anything I do won't stop them from coming after me, nor stop the things that have already happened to me. My world was going hazy, and sound filled my ears. I felt like I was going to puke, and I doubled over. I could feel them take a step closer to me, I knew they were worried but I couldn't say anything. There was a pain in my stomach, and my head was going to explode.

I clasped my hands to my ears, to try and drown out the noises. I pushed on my ears harder trying to make it stop when a loud ringing sound pieced my ears. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't make my voice heard. I could slowly hear my friends labored breathing, and feel them hovering around me. Taking a deep breath I sat up feeling none of the symptoms I had before. Removing my hands from my ears, I looked at the wide eyes of Willow, and Xander. Turning to Angel, I saw only worry and concern resting in his eyes. Blinking I tore my eyes away from him, and tried to focus on Willow. I wasn't going to lean on Angel for help, I could handle myself. I'm a big girl right?

"So what do we know?"

"We know they had to be using followers on this dimension, and we know that the good guys have already made contact twice."

I nodded, "Yep. 'Coffee Guy' and 'Dancer Man'." Willow laughed as I said my made up names for the men who've come to visit. But Angel looked confused.

"'Coffee Guy' and 'Dancer Man'?"

I turned to Angel, hadn't he been paying attention? But I realized how would he know who these people are? I never sat down and explained to him from the very beginning to now. Angel only had bits and pieces of the story; he wasn't working with the full puzzle. So I started from the top beginning with 'Coffee Guy', I ranted on talking about his eyes, how handsome they were, and how compelled I was to tell him all my problems, how I felt safe, and how his Irish accent was to die for. My eyes stayed trained on Angel's face watching for his reaction. Angel seemed a little…jealous? I loved the fact that I could still make Angel feel that way, and I thoroughly enjoyed watching him squirm. So I did the same thing with 'Dancer Man', taking time to go over in detail the way we danced together, how our hips swayed to the beat, and how safe I felt in his arms. Even though I might have distorted my level of worry, and played down how much I wanted Angel back when I retold my story. I was too caught up in my story telling to see the connection but Willow did.

"Wait. Both guys knew who Angel was."

"What?" Both I and Angel asked at the same time.

"'Coffee Guy' knew a lot about Angel's personality and reactions, without you telling him too much. He knew about Angel's dark moodiness, when you only explained the bad things that went on in the relationship. Plus he pinned down your relationship with him, and the effects it had on all your relationships with not so much info." Willow stated excitedly. She was right, I didn't get too into Angel's character or personality because trying to explain Angel, without saying he's a vampire with a soul is kind of futile. "Plus, 'Dancer Man' knew who you were worried about, and he even gave you a message to give to Angel."

I nodded my head as I started to think about my visits with these men, "Yes, 'Tell boss man to get his ass in gear'."

Angel looked lost in thought. He too must have been as lost as I was, caught up in my exaggerated descriptions instead of actually having focused on what he was supposed to. I felt slightly guilty that I had done that to him making him distracted, and being childish when we had all these problems. Another reason I couldn't rely on Angel too much any more, my emotions were just causing this to be a big mess. I couldn't keep them straight as I wanted.

Angel stood up, and he looked like he was going to say something but he just started pacing. He repeated this process a few times stopping, trying to speak but ending up saying nothing and pick up his pacing. We all waited patiently in quiet anticipation. It unnerved me to watch him be so indecisive, in the past Angel had always been mostly straightforward but now he looked like he was having trouble. I wanted to say something, but my mind couldn't think of anything to say to him. What could I say? How could I ask him the answers to the questions I have, when I don't even know what those questions are.

"It's impossible." He stated finally. It seemed like he went through a whole thought process, without saying a word or conferring with us and decided on his final answer. It aggravated me that he could just decide that without even giving us a slight hint at his theory. "It's impossible."

He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than us, but Willow wasn't going to buy the impossible answer. I was sure that nothing was impossible. These powers could cast an ancient forgotten spell on me without even being near me, what was so impossible?

"Angel, even if you think it's impossible any bit of information that could give us even a slight hint who these people are could greatly help Buffy's condition." Willow's eyes rested on me. I could feel all their eyes looking over me. I knew exactly what they were looking at. The fact that I hadn't slept was evident in the deep bags around my eyes, and the paling of my skin. No matter how much I ate I was still losing the pounds, the worry and stress had thinned my hair. I knew I was not in the best shape of my life, plus I often began to sweat or get dizzy spells. Plus the nightmares and the flashbacks, and pictures that flashed in front of my eyes making me disoriented and confused were becoming more frequent. I wasn't allowed to leave the house without someone, since they found me talking to the wall one day.

Things weren't getting better. They were becoming worse by the hour. Even as I sit and watch them, I could hear whispers in the background. I knew they would only get louder, but still. I realized the condition I was in but it was low for Willow to use that to try and push information out of Angel. But it was working; I was trying not to make eye contact with Angel. I was staring at his face as his eyes scanned my body probably noting everything that was wrong with me; by just looking at him I could see the concern. But this made things worse for me. I wasn't supposed to depend on him. I was leaving, right?

"From Buffy's detailed…descriptions," He said eying me with a slight hint of resentment in his tone, "There is only two people I know who could be who she saw. Doyle and Gunn. Doyle was analyzing our relationship since I met him, and Gunn would be the only one to call me boss man." He said this with a chuckle but a sad look in his eyes. Like he was remembering something fond, but distressing at the same time.

"Alright then, we'll track down these guys and-"

"They are dead."

The room stopped as Angel's cool words cut Xander excited talking short. All the plans that were formulating in his mind ended with Angel's words. His tone was cut and dry, it cut off any thing Xander was going to say or try. It caused an unsettling silence to capture each one of us, but Willow had another plan. Willow wasn't going to let the only lead die.

"There are some spells that allow you to talk people who've moved on to the other side." My head shot up, you could talk to the dead? Nothing's impossible right? So why didn't we use this before? I could've talked to my mother, I could've said things to people who've I let die. I could have done so much, I was going to ask her all these things but her eyes caught mine. In that look I could tell it was advanced magic, and dangerous. Willow walked over to the table and scribbled down what I expected to be a list of herbs. Xander grabbed the list and was out the door in seconds, already used to the new life we had.

"Go to sleep." Angel stated, I could tell he was angry and worried. Angel must've know about the spell, and I could tell from his tone he didn't think that rested and energized not filled with worry Willow could do it, and had less hope in the Willow that was standing in front of us. The strain of this problem with me wasn't only affecting me anymore; it was taking a huge toll on the people around me as well. I wished I could hide in a room, that way I wouldn't have to do this to anyone else. Willow looked like she wanted to protest, but Angel gave her a look and she headed off to the room.

I was now left with Angel, alone in the living room. I had no idea where to start or what to say. I could see the toll this was taking on him mentally. It wasn't even his problem. I needed to get out of here before I ruined anymore of his life. But right now the silence was killing me. It was so awkward.

"How's Liz? Is she okay?" I had to ask my curiosity got the better of me.

"Fine." He answered, he seemed aggravated. I realized this wasn't the best situation to be in after his girlfriend caught us kissing. Plus I was pretty sure he was worried that Willow was taking on too much. He always worried about her and magic especially after she went all crazy. Sighing I'd figured I'd get on with it. I couldn't stall anymore no matter how much I wanted too.

"Once the troops have gotten some rest, we'll get out of you way."

"Who says you're in the way?" He practically growled at me, instantly making me get into defensive mode. Crossing my arms, I stared at the door while I took my frustrations out on him.

"Wouldn't want you and your girlfriend to have to go through so much trouble to be together, I mean since-"

I couldn't finish my sentence. While I was talking Angel had silently and swiftly got up, and made his way to me. Being caught up in a huff I didn't realize how close he got till his lips were on mine. His hands grabbed onto mine when I brought them up to push him away. I was too weak to push him away and I didn't want to. I let my eyes flutter closed, and just enjoyed the feeling. His lips were warm and comforting, and while his hands were forceful and powerful his kiss was gentle and soft. I felt as though I would melt. He pulled away from me before I was ready, and as he moved away I moved in closer to him. He still holding my arms back couldn't pull him closer. When he finally broke the kiss I stared into his eyes, and he looked deeply into mine. I was wondering if he knew how easy it was for me to get lost in his eyes.

"Who told you Liz and I are going out?" I tried to make a coherent sentence but all I could gurgle was a few mashed syllables. "Don't just assume things. There is nothing between me and Liz. I'm in love with you."

That was all I needed to let myself go. He leaned in to kiss me, and I lunged forward expectantly needing nothing more than the feelings that aroused in me when we kissed. I completely ignored all my thoughts before. Everything I had said about dating Angel being dangerous and how it was wrong for us to be together didn't mean anything anymore. There was absolutely no reason for it, I didn't care anymore. All these reasons for doing things, and the notions of not depending on him anymore were futile. I needed him, I needed this and life was going to try everything to hurt us, but I didn't care. It didn't matter anymore who got hurt, or if the whole world fell down around us. I knew what I wanted, and I was going to take it.

Angel finally let go of my hands and I used them to pull him closer to me. I didn't want this to stop, but Angel broke away seeing how badly I needed to breathe. I placed my hands on his cheeks and pulled him back to me, kissing him with all my need. But he pulled back unexpectedly.

"Ouch."

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Sorry it took so long to get up. I'm working on the next chapter. Thanks for all the reviews!


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